November 8, 2013
The feel of these keypads against my fingers is so familiar. Soothing, yet so terrifying all in one breath. I guess it’s because they remind me of when I used to believe I could take on the world and achieve anything I so much as even thought about. All I had to was put my mind to it and voila, it was accomplished. Life was so simple and fair, or so I thought. No hassles or worries in the air. Back when everything was void of all complications.
I wonder what happened to the seemingly innocent life of this teenage girl. Well, life happened! Walls of the reality I know suddenly crumble. All that is left are memories of what used to be and what could have been. This soul now truly understands depth and pain. Shallow thoughts of times before driven far off like an evil spirit to an unknown location. With truckloads of life changing decisions, it suddenly seems like confusion and I are soul mates.
I have become a master at facades of happiness and sanity with my beaming smiles and killer dimples. This gives me moments of clarity and strength that maybe, just maybe, I could face the insecurities that tomorrow had so graciously dumped on my porch.
I am surrounded by hundreds of family members and friends and yet it seems I have no one. I feel so alone in this place called earth. No one understands what I feel. The violent tugging in my chest, the fire burning through my veins, the darkness in my eyes and the heavy emptiness that weighs me down each time my eyes open to see another day. No one! I speak but they do not listen to me, they only hear me. All because of their passion to fuel the dark hunger that is only satisfied when I’m miserable.
I know it will get better. Everyone always says it does. I read books about great men who say it will get better, so surely it must get better. I just don’t know if the strength I feel now will get me that far. Now this little girl who I’m sure isn’t even a teenager yet comes to confuse my already troubled soul by telling me about a ‘Jesus’.
I’ve heard about too many great people that can help me to care about this particular one. Why should I? I have great men in this family of mine, yet I still feel adoption might have been easier to handle. I shall not let this child adorn me with misery further.The strange thing is at this point, I can’t find my misery any more. Was it this few lines of prayer I said just so she’d leave me the hell alone?
It can’t be! I refuse to believe it! Surely salvation as she spoke of it can’t be this simple? The peace I feel is too surreal. Almost too good to be true!
But the thing is, it is true. God’s love for you can wipe and cleanse your entire burden in one clean sweep. ONLY if you’d let him.